So, me and a certain lowlife aquaintance of mine were walking through our local wal mart.

We walked by a somewhat pleasing-looking woman and we stared at her brazenly, giving her lunatic smiles that served to say, “You are meat. We are things that eat meat. No, you naughty skank, not in a good way.”

She noticed us looking and glanced away. She had three kids with her, and as we walked on into the electronics section, one of us (I honestly forget which, for we are like one mind at times) said, “Well, you can tell she puts out.”

In short, we were acting young and dumb.

So a few seconds later, we turn around and she’s just. . . behind us. Like Solid Snake. We had no idea she was sneaking up on us.

Her face had a look somewhat blissed-out look, and she didn’t seem angry.

“Can I ask you guys a question?” She said.

Now, I was, frankly, thinking we were in deep shit at this point. I figured she either had heard us commenting when we remarked “hey, look, her ass is almost up to par” or “how many dads do you think those kids have” and was about to chew us a new asshole (or attempt to do so just before being shot down) or she noticed what crazy beasts we were and wanted to rut. If the later were the case, one of us would have to immediately oblige her, taking her into the back of the sporting goods section and bringing her right to the edge of pain there in the pool que section, as this was very definately the sort of girl you don’t want to know where you live. Again, as my friend has chosen a path of monogamy-of-dubious-value, I would have had to fall on this grenade. No high-fiving over the back for us these days, alas.
 
At any rate, I said, “Sure. If you don’t mind random answers.”

She said the words that would serve to twist her appealing, if trashy, features into those of the crypt keeper before my eyes.

“Do you guys belive in god?”

Now my buddy found this rude, and odd. He’s not out in the people as much as I, and he doesn’t understand that a good 37% of this country is not just religious, but retarded with the spirit.

He sort of mumbles “no” and when asked for clarification says, “no I never have”

Then he has to wander away. Quickly. Because he’s losing his shit, laughing. Why, you ask? Because I have said, “KNOW HIM? Motherfucker owes me 10 bucks.”

She says, “Why?” (note: These people CANNOT tell when you are fucking with them, most of the time. That and if they can, they stick around trying to still get “the sale”)
“He used to be on my paper route. It’s seriously awkward. You ever try to collect tree fiddy from god? Nice lawn though. Xeriscape.”

“Don’t you know god loves you?”

“Well, I doubt that.”

“Why?”

“Did you ever own an ant farm? (She shakes her head no) “Well, if you did, would you care more about the overall health of the farm, or individual little ants?”

“Why would you say such a thing, don’t you worship the lord jesus christ?”

“No, babe, if anything, I’m on the other side.”

“What, you mean you worship satan?”

“Precisely!”

“Why?”

“Because it’s more american!”

“What?”

“Well, think about it. What did Satan want? He wanted to do his own thing, live how he wanted, say what he chose. All good american virtures. God was oppressing him. So what did he do? He stood up! He fought back! Just like George Washington!”

“But. . . but. . . how can you say that?”

“It’s in the bible.”

“You aren’t supposed to just question like -”

“Yes, you are. You have to be.”

“What?”

“Well, what’s the one thing you can’t do? The one thing nothing can do? You can’t copy yourself. Nothing can. You always lose energy, you always lose something in the process. So instead, you make children, looking to create a lesser being that will one day surpass you. Do you want your children to one day equal or outgrow you, or do you want them to blindly follow you forever? We have to question god! He made us because to be God is to be alone, and he would have peers. If you don’t question god, you don’t love him – you follow him only out of slavish, mindless devotion, and that’s not what either one of you need.”

“ahhh….ahhhh…ok….well, you’ve…given me a lot to think …about…can I just ask you one thing?”

“Sure.”

“Have you ever been in a place where you could be exposed to the word of god?”

“Actually, my friend and I were both raised by insane christian extremists. We know the whole bible front to back. Besides, you could get in trouble if I come to church with you. If I subverted your congregation in the name of My Dark Father, you’d probably get in some kind of deep shit, right?”

“Oh…well…we pray together?”

“No. You can pray for me, though. But only if I can sacrifice a goat to the Eater of Souls for you.”

At this point, I made a quick ” OH SHIT LOOKIT THE TIME” style exit and we walked away.

My buddy was pink with hilarity.

“You know,” I said to him, “The whole time I talked to her, I just heard top dollar from the Crow in my head, where he says, “Her? I think we broke her.”