I am a horrible citizen of christmas. I never buy gifts, I am never on time, I always do my shopping late, I don’t send cards or presents out on time, I don’t remember who got me what last year, etc.

I’m a horrible Christmas citizen.

I just refused to feel overly pressured about the season and I don’t really have enough money to get everybody I want to get stuff for the stuff I want to get them, so I try taking this bullshit stance against materialism that is just basically me going “Wah, Waaaaah, I be poor” – since, rest assured, had I money, I’d be materialistic as all fuck.

It would be awsome if I had money, you guys, seriously.

God would it ever.

I’d buy an island. I’d make the country of Me-Ownia, the country I own. It’d be sweet. I’d try to get enough of my friends to move to the island rent free to qualify us as a country and then I’d abuse all my diplomatic powers. I’d build free flowing and largely wall-less tropical bungalows for everyone and see too it the dress code was nudity for the attractive and oversized free flowing garmets designed to maximize our few assets for the rest of us. I would then provide tons of food, space, art supplies, casual sex with trained gymnasts, internet connectivity, industry connections, and time to any of my friends that required some sort of socio-political patronage to pursue their true bliss, not as charity per se but because my friends are bad ass and giving them full access to the world would result in fruit-bearing works of an intensity we shall term only ‘blinding.’