H.G.T.

Inspired by Alluveal, I decided to look into writing for white wolf. I think I would get along with the guy that edits vampire. Witness:

“So, with all that in mind, you want to write for Vampire, eh? Well, before I hire you, we’ll have to see if you can take it. Part and parcel with Vampire writing comes criticism, and it comes in greater volume than with any of our other games. To see if you’re up to the task, complete the following mock letter using the choices presented and gauge your reactions.

“Hello,
(1) Jackass;
(2) Idiot;
(3) Bonehead;
(4) Moron;

I am
(1) an generic Internet chump hiding behind an anonymous handle
(2) a lonely, frustrated student with nothing better to do
(3) an illiterate dullard with vociferously spoken opinions
(4) a rabid fan who thinks White Wolf owes him something

and I just want you to know that your last book really
(1) sucked.
(2) blew.
(3) stank.
(4) should have been fed through a chipper-shredder.

Why was it so bad? Well,
(1) you didn’t do exactly what I would have done with it, which proves you are stupid.
(2) you left out several details in the interests of creating mystery, but I wanted to know the exact Traits or reason behind [Event X], which proves you are stupid.
(3) I’m incapable of understanding in-character bias in printed material, which results in my confusion and also proves you are stupid.
(4) just because, stupid.

In fact, White Wolf has put out consistently crappy books since
(1) you started writing for them.
(2) Justin Achilli took over Vampire.
(3) they stopped using Sisters of Mercy quotes to open every subsection of text.
(4) they came into existence, yet I still buy every book, if only to give me new reasons to complain and find a surrogate victim for my own feelings of inadequacy and self-loathing.

I hope
(1) wild jackals tear out your liver for writing this thing.
(2) you are assimilated by the Borg, decapitated by Highlanders, hamstrung by my Celtic ancestors and defiled by cape-wearing LARPers.
(3) real goths taunt you when you go to the nightclub, you Manson-loving wannabe.
(4) you get fired and they hire me, even though I have no idea how to write a cogent sentence, let alone prepare a book for publication.

Sincerely,
(1) DarkRavynDeth143@aol.com
(2) Kevin Collegebritches, State University
(3) Nethraxis Zomb, Crimson Master of the Eternal Night
(4) Eugene Fenster, by way of my parents’ basement

P.S.:
(1) Which book explains Baba Yaga’s death?
(2) Enclosed is my character. Please make it official.
(3) I didn’t type my letter legibly or even bother to send a SASE, but I’m going to get all uppity if I don’t receive a response from you.
(4) Rot in hell, you bastard.”

If you’re prepared to deal with crap like this, you’ve got the fortitude to work for us. (On a lighter note, you should know that the people you’re actually working for are the silent majority — the ones who accept the game for the entertainment pastime it is and “get it” on a larger scale. They just don’t write as often, because they tend to be better acclimated to the world. Not everyone in this hobby is a wailing, sociopathic lunatic. Just the loud ones.)”

Thought for the day:

Now that we have Saddam, how long do you think it will be before we see “Survivor: Elbe Island?”