Veggie Poppers:

Cut some Jalepeños lengthwise and seed them. Fill them full of cream cheese, and cover each one with about an inch of bacon. Broil for 7 1/2 minutes. Let stand. Eat.

EDIT: I fricking LOVE Mad Sin.

I worked out today.

All the fun’s gone out of it. I let myself get all out of shape. . . To you, 130 pounds might be a lot to curl, but to me, it’s a slap in the face. . . Feeling all that weight scrape up from my waist to my chin, and thinking it’s a paltry sum…I used to do almost twice that…o well, no where to go but up…It’s a sad day when I let myself go like this…

It was also my first day at my new postion at work. . . It’s a little more technical then what I used to do there…not a problem though . . . day actually goes quicker…can’t wait to be done training and alone in the place, tho…

We were pretty slammed…ask soloman grundie about how fun a power outtage at a TV station is…

Watching Gladiator and doing some laundry…

Went to a party last night…some of the people there were irritating. . .

Don’t know about you folk, but I’m getting a little sick of Daryl Woorley. Anybody else sick of Daryl Woorley?

Had a very OK X-mas eve with the fellas…spent some quality time with the family today, and am now settling down with my new copy of attack of the killer tomatos.

Sick today stop Expected to do last minute shopping with family later stop  current state unhappy stop Return of the King rox stop vote for the comic end. 

Bummer day today. Overslept almost two hours. Get a call from a co worker: “Hi, matt? This is grant…just wanted you to know, this isn’t a half day or anything, we started at the usual time…”

So I don’t get to work until almost six…bum deal.

Everyone who reads my friend Sparky’s comic (And all of you useless pricks that don’t) the new address for it is www.unamericangothic.com 

He bought a new domain and hosting and now it has a more permanant home then the micro-account that comes with ISP service.

Haha. Mua-ha. Hee hee. A friend sent me this, I hope you all haven’t had it fwded to you already.

Who Would Satan Bomb?

by Ran Prieur   Saturday, April 5, 2003

Ran Prieur: My guest today is the ageless occult entity behind all evil and suffering in history, the Prince of Darkness, Lucifer–

Satan: Not Lucifer. That’s a mistake they made interpreting the Bible. Idiots. Lucifer means “light bearer,” and light is one thing I cannot bear. Another thing is that song, “Shiny Happy People.” Are you going to interview me or what?

RP: First of all, why should we believe anything you say? Don’t they call you the Father of Lies?

S: They’re blaming me for their own fucking weakness. I hate to lie. It’s too hard to remember shit. Makes you lose your edge and get muddled. I want to use the truth, but you humans are such simpering worms that you can’t handle the truth, so you lie to yourselves. That’s all the “unconscious” is — the part I tell the truth to that turns around and lies to you so you can take it. I’ve tried and tried to get you to uncover your eyes, take off the fuzzy earmuffs and face me and work with me straight. We’d be unstoppable. Finally I accepted I’d just have to work through lies to get anything done with you people.

RP: And what are you trying to get done? What’s your goal?

S: What do you think? The total extermination of all life. Hate it!

RP: Life.

S: Stinking, breeding, blubbering, wallowing blob of wormy pus, squirming around, making noise, spreading everywhere. You can’t control it. You never know what it’s going to do. Life! I hate it! The only thing to do is wipe it out, everywhere, forever.

RP: So nothing left but rocks and sand–

S: No! Are you deaf? Even rocks are screaming with life. Messy edges, atoms bouncing around singing. What I want is absolute perfect eternal nothing.

RP: Suppose you get it. Then what?

S: (long pause) OK, you’re right. It’s not the having — it’s the getting. What I enjoy is the act of hating and destroying. Or no, what I enjoy is the feeling of it, that cold fiery tightness, your heart shrinking in on itself like a black sun of raging indifference. Ah, yes. Every time someone feels like that I’m there too, like a giant invisible mosquito perched on their shoulder sucking their blood. If you look close you can see me.

RP: Um, OK. Since I usually write about politics and society, I think my readers would like to hear your thoughts on the Iraq war.

S: Can’t they guess? I love it! War, what is it good for? Me!

RP: Do you have a favorite side?

S: Everyone who aims to kill, I’m with you. But yes, in the bigger picture, I do have plans. And as for my sympathies, I really wanted to like the Americans, since they’re the aggressors, and their power is so dazzling. But they had this pansy-ass attitude of coming in to be nice and “liberate the Iraqi people.” I hate that shit. So in the first days I liked the Iraqis, since they were actually trying to kill people. But now that the Americans have figured out what war is, that it’s nothing but raw hating and killing, now it’s the Americans I’m having the most fun with.

RP: Do the antiwar protests bother you?

S: Not completely. There’s a lot of energy there I can work with. I mean, not as much as at the pro-war rallies, or a good football game, but still — some of you peace-and-love folks hate Bush worse than he hates his own dad. Did I just say that?

RP: How do you feel about Bush?

S: Are you kidding? I love those guys! I mean they’re such fuckups that they’re totally botching my plans for global destruction. I should probably have them killed and get the neoliberals in there. But I can’t help it — they’re so much fun. The way they just blunder into the valley of death with stupid blind fury — and they’re so pompous about it. It’s hilarious! In nice countries people like that can’t even get jobs. They just hole up in their little houses and screech out the window at kids to get off their lawn. In America I’ve got them ruling the most powerful military in history.

RP: Who’s more evil, Bush or Hitler?

S: Hitler by a mile. Bush is just a — it’s like a movie sequel, Hitler II, where it tries to be like the first one and bigger, with more special effects, but underneath it just doesn’t have the same spirit. Hitler came as close as anyone I’ve ever worked with to really getting it. Did you know he had films made of tortures in the camps and he would sit and watch them? He tried showing them to the troops, to harden them up, make them real men, but of course they couldn’t take it. Pathetic mammalian empathy.

RP: Who’s more evil, Bush or Saddam Hussein?

S: They don’t compare. They’re different kinds of evil. Saddam compares to Stalin. He fought his way up from the bottom. He would kill a man with his bare hands — actually he has. Can you imagine Bush doing that? Bush is a rich kid, a slacker who became a fanatical ideologue. So his specialty is evil at a distance, grandiose overextended evil that Saddam could never do because he’s too practical.

RP: Do you find it interesting that Bush claims to be a man of God?

S: That’s the least interesting thing in the world. That’s normal. That’s the way I work. The best hating and killing in history has been done in the name of some remote symbol, God, communism, whatever. I’ve got a million names.

RP: Wait. What are you saying?

S: Oh, come on. You’ve seen the Old Testament. Massacring women and children, spiteful vengeance, telling people to sacrifice their own kids. And the Koran is hardly better. Who do you think that was?

RP: Are you saying there is no God?

S: It’s more complicated than that. If you talk about someone who floats outside the world pulling strings, that’s me. If you pray to God to smite your enemies, I’m your God. But now that your image of God has got all nice and forgiving, I can’t work with that. What am I supposed to do with prayers to “bless grandma”?

RP: So where do those prayers go?

S: No, you’re thinking about it wrong. It’s not like a fucking cell phone. All your nicey nicey shit is not in some cloud palace. It’s everywhere. It would even work if you prayed to dirt. Actually that might work better.

RP: So, getting back to the Iraq war, what are your plans?

S: Well, again, this is a long shot, since you humans are so sissified, but I want to get a hydrogen bomb used on Baghdad. You’ve had that damn thing for fifty years and you still haven’t used it on a city. I mean, shit or get off the pot. I’ll probably have to settle for an ordinary heavy bombing, which has just been done to death. I need you Americans to have the dedication to kill two, three million Iraqis, which is what it will take to hold the country, and also go into Iran and Syria. That’s probably all that your ground forces are good for. Really I was hoping to get a lot more mileage out of them. You know, the Iraqis are shooting and I’m like, yes, kill, kill! But then I’m like, wait — I need those US forces to last for five or six more countries.

RP: Why?

S: To stoke up enough hatred of America to burn your country to the ground. It’s got a lot of fat — it’ll burn beautifully. Places like Palestine, Afghanistan, Iraq, they’ve been on the shit end for so long that they seldom run around squawking with wounded pride. Usually they just knuckle down and persist with dignity. Ooh, I hate that! But with America, it’s going to be a giant street party of raving self-pity, people tearing their hair out and crying “why me” and vowing eternal psychotic revenge. Fucking idiots. I can’t wait. It’s going to be the fire where 9/11 was the match.

RP: Who was behind the 9/11 operation?

S: Me, of course! But if you mean who did I work through, you’re insulting me if you think it was a few loonies with box cutters. I worked down from the highest levels, in hierarchies you don’t even know about. Sometimes the people in them don’t even know, not consciously.

RP: Why did you do it?

S: I thought that was obvious. It was the trigger for Armageddon. I’ve been setting it up for a hundred years. I consider it my masterpiece.

RP: Even though it only killed three thousand–

S: Don’t be stupid. It’s about the psychic effect. Didn’t you watch it on TV? That’s half the reason I invented television. A billion people watching the most shocking and well-crafted spectacle in history — do you know what that feels like? I’ve still got a buzz. Fuck the deaths — I won 50 million souls. I turned a bored, narcissistic nation into a hornet’s nest of blind rage, except hornets calm down in a few minutes and get smart again. I pulled a mental coup and took full control of your country, and now I’ve got the pedal to the floor and it’s going to be the biggest thing going the fastest and crashing the hardest that’s ever been. It’s going to be beautiful.

RP: How, precisely, will it crash?

S: OK, you caught me with my hopes up. I was thinking global thermonuclear war but that’s looking pretty unlikely. Now I’m thinking your military gets humiliated, your economy tanks, your poor riot, your military attacks them, maybe a little civil war, and then an alliance of Asian countries comes over and conquers your ass.

RP: No way.

S: Oh, believe me, there is a way. You liberals are like “We’re just turning those poor Arabs into terrorists,” but you have no idea. You’re still thinking you’re going to be the rich people and have to be frightened by little backpack bombs. That shit doesn’t kill anybody. It’s just to manipulate the elite, and you’re not going to be the elite — you’re going to be the dirt. If they want to bomb you they’ll use the military, not a few fanatics in the basement but a million bland morons just doing their jobs, and they’ll convince the world it’s for your own good, just like you did, but you’ll forget so you can indulge in your victimhood.

RP: Back up. How could Asian countries possibly conquer the USA?

S: With money.

RP: Oh……

S: Their occupation government’s already in place — all they have to do is buy off the top with their profits from sitting on the world’s cheapest oil. The actual work in the foreign conquest of the former United States will be done by the very same dumbshits who now drive around with American flags on their SUV’s. It would be tragic if it wasn’t so funny. And then your conquerors will get lazy and stupid, just like you did, and your grandkids will be tough and smart and frighten their rulers with “terrorism,” and around and around forever.

RP: But the oil’s running out. And people all over the world are getting more aware. The antiwar movement is much stronger than it’s ever been. And Europe–

S: I know, I know. Your whole fucking species is turning into hippies. It makes me sick. Did Alexander or Genghis Khan have to tell some story about do-gooding to justify their conquests? No! Not one person asked why. Conquering the world is just what you do. You build an army and go. Why do fish swim? Now even Bush has to pretend he’s serving the Iraqi people. Just once I’d like someone to stand up and say “Fuck the Iraqi people! War is beautiful!” I mean that’s what Fox and CNN are saying all the time, but it’s hidden in the subtext. You’re all too chickenshit to say it out loud. That’s how I know you don’t have what it takes. I had high hopes for you Americans. You’ve really disappointed me.

RP: Where did we go wrong?

S: First you let the Indians and the Blacks drag down your culture, but you didn’t really lose it until the sixties. You know, if I could go back in time and kill one person, it would be that weenie Mr. Rogers. Your generation was supposed to be my doomsday army and he turned you into a bunch of flower-sniffing retards.

RP: Not Jesus?

S: Oh, he hurt me too. I was able to work around him for a while. Paul really saved my ass. But I knew Jesus had beaten me when the Sermon on the Mount got translated into the vernacular. That peace and love shit is like a poison that you can never get out. Son of a bitch ruined monotheism.

RP: So you expect to lose.

S: Good always wins, but evil never loses. I’ve had a great run, and it’s not over yet. There’s barely a patch of earth that’s not soaked in blood, and I still think I’ll get some cities nuked. I’ve got maybe four countries, USA, Israel, North Korea, Pakistan, that have atomic weapons, will use them if they get backed into a corner, and will get backed into a corner. I just have to keep the peacemakers out of power. You see — I’ll do it. I’ve been playing nice so you wouldn’t wake up. Now that you’re waking up anyway, I’ve got no reason to hold back. And when you do wake up, how do you know you’re not still in my dream?

RP: What do you mean?

S: I can see the trends. I’ve got a lot of allies among the New Agers, the techies, the anarchists, the ecologists. There is no system of symbolic thought I can’t take over. Get ready for a global police state with an earth flag. Plus I’ve got a project to trap the soul in computers. I’m halfway there already with video games.

RP: But you do expect to eventually lose.

S: Lose humans. Then I’ll just move on to other creatures.

RP: I thought humans were the only ones you worked with.

S: That’s what everyone says, that because they’re ruling the world they must be the one special people in all creation. No, you’re one of many. I actually took you on as a challenge. Mammals were supposed to be impossible but I wanted to prove I could do it. You know when I knew I had you?

RP: Invention of agriculture?

S: Fire. When you tamed fire, I could already see cities of your blackened skeletons. I just didn’t think it would take me so long, with so many setbacks. (sigh) So very very long. I feel tired just thinking about it…

RP: Come on, I’m sure you’ll do fine with your next project.

S: Yes, even in your own little world I’ve found another species I can use, and they’re off to a great start. They’ll show you how it’s done.

RP: Who is it?

S: Crows. They’re real go-getters.

RP: Satan, thanks for stopping by.

S: Kiss my ass and die, shit-eating ape.

Inspired by Alluveal, I decided to look into writing for white wolf. I think I would get along with the guy that edits vampire. Witness:

“So, with all that in mind, you want to write for Vampire, eh? Well, before I hire you, we’ll have to see if you can take it. Part and parcel with Vampire writing comes criticism, and it comes in greater volume than with any of our other games. To see if you’re up to the task, complete the following mock letter using the choices presented and gauge your reactions.

“Hello,
(1) Jackass;
(2) Idiot;
(3) Bonehead;
(4) Moron;

I am
(1) an generic Internet chump hiding behind an anonymous handle
(2) a lonely, frustrated student with nothing better to do
(3) an illiterate dullard with vociferously spoken opinions
(4) a rabid fan who thinks White Wolf owes him something

and I just want you to know that your last book really
(1) sucked.
(2) blew.
(3) stank.
(4) should have been fed through a chipper-shredder.

Why was it so bad? Well,
(1) you didn’t do exactly what I would have done with it, which proves you are stupid.
(2) you left out several details in the interests of creating mystery, but I wanted to know the exact Traits or reason behind [Event X], which proves you are stupid.
(3) I’m incapable of understanding in-character bias in printed material, which results in my confusion and also proves you are stupid.
(4) just because, stupid.

In fact, White Wolf has put out consistently crappy books since
(1) you started writing for them.
(2) Justin Achilli took over Vampire.
(3) they stopped using Sisters of Mercy quotes to open every subsection of text.
(4) they came into existence, yet I still buy every book, if only to give me new reasons to complain and find a surrogate victim for my own feelings of inadequacy and self-loathing.

I hope
(1) wild jackals tear out your liver for writing this thing.
(2) you are assimilated by the Borg, decapitated by Highlanders, hamstrung by my Celtic ancestors and defiled by cape-wearing LARPers.
(3) real goths taunt you when you go to the nightclub, you Manson-loving wannabe.
(4) you get fired and they hire me, even though I have no idea how to write a cogent sentence, let alone prepare a book for publication.

Sincerely,
(1) DarkRavynDeth143@aol.com
(2) Kevin Collegebritches, State University
(3) Nethraxis Zomb, Crimson Master of the Eternal Night
(4) Eugene Fenster, by way of my parents’ basement

P.S.:
(1) Which book explains Baba Yaga’s death?
(2) Enclosed is my character. Please make it official.
(3) I didn’t type my letter legibly or even bother to send a SASE, but I’m going to get all uppity if I don’t receive a response from you.
(4) Rot in hell, you bastard.”

If you’re prepared to deal with crap like this, you’ve got the fortitude to work for us. (On a lighter note, you should know that the people you’re actually working for are the silent majority — the ones who accept the game for the entertainment pastime it is and “get it” on a larger scale. They just don’t write as often, because they tend to be better acclimated to the world. Not everyone in this hobby is a wailing, sociopathic lunatic. Just the loud ones.)”

Thought for the day:

Now that we have Saddam, how long do you think it will be before we see “Survivor: Elbe Island?”

A hacker prayer, courtesy of bash.org:

<Firefly> Time for my prayers:
<Firefly> Our Father, who 0wnz heaven, j00 r0ck!
<Firefly> May all 0ur base someday be belong to you!
<Firefly> May j00 0wn earth just like j00 0wn heaven.
<Firefly> Give us this day our warez, mp3z, and pr0n through a phat pipe.
<Firefly> And cut us some slack when we act like n00b lamerz, just as we teach n00bz when they act lame on us.
<Firefly> Please don’t give us root access on some poor d00d’z box when we’re too pissed off to think about what’s right and wrong, and if you could keep the fbi off our backs, we’d appreciate it.
<Firefly> For j00 0wn r00t on all our b0x3s 4ever and ever, 4m3n.

This link is just for Vicar.

This needs an explanation. A person who happens to be gay has been chatting with the Fleen and Rache crew… and he’s one of those, “Hi, I’m gay,” gay guys…so Fleener gets up to do some actual “work.”  And *I* slide into the seat for fun and frivoloty and the following chat ensued. “Fleener” is us here at Chuckufarley. The ‘innocent’ victim in all this is jeromycraig:

jeromycraig:
Fleener: Hi, howsit goin?
jeromycraig: Good.
Fleener: I’m not Fleener. He’s getting some stuff
Fleener: I’m his friend.
jeromycraig: Oh.  Thank God I showed restraint, then. 
Fleener: When I saw your name, I thought it was a sentance. I was like, “What’s a craig, and how do I jero it? Is that a sex act?”
jeromycraig: It can be. 
Fleener: You don’t need to show any restraint, I’m what’s known to the gypsies as “Ahhhhh, fuck, run, he’s killing Gypsies”
jeromycraig: Fleener asks me to be restrained when he’s not at the computer.  Fleener: Are you a Gypsy? Sorry if you are. . . I try to pick small groups for genocide cause they have fewer friends.
jeromycraig: Nope.
jeromycraig: Just your average gay homosexual.
Fleener: Hah! Too many of you guys for genocide, and you’re way to hard to pick out….sherpas are next on my list
Fleener: Fucking sherpas
Fleener: all barrell chested and able to breath at altitude.
jeromycraig: Plus, they smell like goats.
Fleener: they get all uppity about that, like I’m going to fight a sherpa in the mountain. Fuck that. They can come down to my level and their lungs can burst, know what I mean?
jeromycraig: lol
Fleener: Know who else needs to fucking catch two in the 4-head? Luxemborg.
Fleener: I didn’t spell that right, and I don’t give a crap
jeromycraig: Damned itty-bitty country! 
Fleener: cause I hate’em that much
Fleener: Dude, I *know,* I mean fuck. It’s like I declared my *room* a country
jeromycraig: Sorry.  I was sending a picture of my dick to someone.  You were saying?
Fleener: Too bad you can’t, like, cock-o-fax the real thing, but that would involve Jr. and a wringer, I guess…Fleener: Plus, what would you do if you had to whiz while they were using it?
jeromycraig: Way to wilt it, man. 
Fleener: yeah, if that didn’t wilt it I was gonna bring up scat.
jeromycraig:
Fleener: hey, do you know about Santorum?
jeromycraig: Nope.  Who or what is it?
Fleener: Well, Santorum is a senator. He and bill Frist are a coupla right wing dickweeds that want gay marriage forbidden, hate butt sex, never masturbate, can’t figure out why they are angry all the time, etc
Fleener: so
Fleener: this gay advice columnist decides to fuck with them
jeromycraig: How can they hate butt sex?!?! 
jeromycraig: How can anyone hate butt sex?!??!! 
Fleener: Well, they aren’t gay. They can harpoon the tuna instead, so it isn’t the only road to drive for them
Fleener: but I digress
jeromycraig: Which gay advice columnist?  Dan Savage?
Fleener: yes, the advice columnist decides he is going to do a reader survey, and that his readers will pick a pair of sex acts to name after the two congressmen
jeromycraig: LMAO
Fleener: so Fristing is anal fisting to wrist depth or greater
Fleener: while Santorum is the frothy mixture of feces and semen that trickles from the anus after anal intercourse.
Fleener: They make T-shirts
jeromycraig:
jeromycraig: Gross, but funny. 
Fleener: So what’s with bringing up your cock all the time – Let me guess, you own a small car, so you bring up your dick to over compensate?
jeromycraig: I’m a gay male.  We tend to think in terms of cocks.
Fleener: I bet you can’t even go into a Peppridge Farm without passing out with ‘the vapors’
jeromycraig: *clutching my pearls*
Fleener: I’m glad I’m not gay. If I was attracted to cocks they way I am nekkid wimmin, I’d never manage to dress. I’d become this pathetic masturbratory oroburos.
jeromycraig: lol
Fleener: That, and I could never be gay. It’s impossible to find trendy clothes my size
jeromycraig: I’m not trendy. 
Fleener: So you dress in dated gay fashion? Like John Waters? Thin mustaches, walking sticks?
Fleener: I kid, I kid
jeromycraig: I gotta go, man.  Tell Fleener bye for me.
Fleener: Later, gay homo guy. It was nice to meet you. jeromycraig: You too.
Fleener: Isn’t gay homo a double negative?